Happy Xmas, war is over?

In a year that has been forgettable for a lot of investors, here are the headlines for Xmas 2016

  • Blackmores buys the now redundant Gladstone LNG plant and converts it into a vitamin factory.
  • Bellamy’s discovers a huge unknown baby infant formula mine in Tasmania and uses driverless trucks and trains to mine the white gold.
  • BHP decides to reinvent itself as a tech company and backs Uber in after a back door listing.
  • Slater and Gordon sues its self as the only way to make a profit. Renames itself Slaughter and Go Down.
  • Back door listings are renamed Trap Door Listings as they prove to be a con.
  • Finally, Atlassian is exposed as an elaborate fraud as no one really understands what they do except look cool.
  • Private Equity goes public and buys and then tries to sell Dick Smith again.
  • Domino’s Pizza in an effort to stimulate growth, buys into the medicinal cannabis business. A perfect fit for a pizza company.
  • Fortescue Mining sells Tw Iggy’s ego and clears its debt.
  • The RBA raise rates by 1% on April Fools’ Day just to keep everyone on their toes.
  • The Australian banks merge to form Mega Bank and come clean that they have been really operating like this for years.
  • Apple pays some tax.
  • Janet Yellen realises she has made a terrible error of judgement and replaces the now infamous Dot Charts with a colouring in book which is far more fun.
  • Woolworths appoints Martin Shkreli as CEO as a man to drive prices higher.
  • Atlas Iron and other junior iron ore producers resort to crowdfunding as the latest way to stay in business despite iron ore hitting $20 a tonne.
  • Gina Rinehart puts Roy Hill on care and maintenance two months after shipping her first ore and blames her children for the fall in the ore price. Announces that no one will get anything.

 

In politics

  • Tony Abbott joins the Palmer United Party and runs in the election with Clive as his running mate.
  • Malcolm Turnbull appoints Gordon Grech as the new RBA Governor.
  • Donald Trump’s hair files for divorce and runs as an independent. Hilary Clinton announces that Sarah Palin will be her running mate to capture the soccer mum vote.

The Economy

  • The Australian economy bounces back to be the envy of the world as it privatises Tasmania and the huge baby formula mines near Cradle Mountain.
  • The Liberal government legalises drugs in Australia after the productivity commission reports it will stimulate the economy. Sco Mo slaps GST on cocaine and ecstasy and solves the budget crisis overnight.
  • Tony Abbott quits politics and is appointed President of Surf Life Saving Australia and is knighted by Turnbull for services to the swimwear industry.

Happy Xmas and stay safe over the holidays. 2016 will be another interesting year and we hope that you continue to enjoy the best financial newsletter in Australia. It has been a privilege and a pleasure to share our thoughts and ideas in 2015 and we look forward to keeping you informed educated and entertained in the New Year

Clarence

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NT Markets

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